Took a pregnancy test this morning. Negative.
I hate pregnancy tests. I’d much rather just start my period if I’m not pregnant. But, we have plans every night this week except for tonight, a float trip over the weekend, and Mark is out of town all next week for work. So unless I wanted to squeeze in the news- whether it be good or bad- between work and a softball game, I thought I better face it today.
When I’m sitting there for the three minutes it takes to display the results, I don’t really know what to think. Of course I’m hopeful. But I’ve had so many negative ones that if I ever do get a positive one, I’ll be so surprised I’ll probably fall into the toilet. So when it’s negative, I’m not surprised. I’m not even sad, initially. I shrug, throw it in the trash, and get in the shower. Another month gone. Another cycle wasted.
As the day goes on and I start to think about it more and more, I feel a whole range of emotions. Sadness. Anger. Annoyance. Today I am mostly angry and annoyed. I’m mad that it is taking us so long. I’m angry with God that I’ve been blessed in so many ways but that we still have a gaping hole in our lives. I’m upset that we have to go through all this again. I’m annoyed that an acquaintance of ours is pregnant again even though it seems like they’re always on the verge of bankruptcy.
I just wish I knew what the end of the story holds for us. Do we end up with a kid at the end or not? Do we end up adopting? Knowing the end would make the middle that we’re stuck in now so much more bearable. Sigh. Hoping today gets better.