I had planned on posting yesterday after the procedure, but yesterday was not. a. good. day.  Yesterday sucked in every way it was possible to suck.  I didn’t want to sound too dramatic or melancholy, so I thought I’d hold off a day.

It started off as planned, we went in to the office bright and early.  Mark did his thing and then we went to Panera to get some work done.  The internet was down, so we went to McDonalds down the street.  They had no outlets, so finally we found another McDonalds that would work and actually had a productive hour or so.  We went back to the office at 9:00; I was supposed to be done at 9:30.   I was still waiting at 9:30; Mark’s stuff hadn’t been returned to them yet.  Finally we got called back and we went into the exam room.

Cute little perky Jen bounded in and told us “Well, I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news.”  My heart sunk.  She said the sample was not good.  She said they could still use it but that it would not significantly increase our chances.  And then she said we might want to start thinking about IVF.

What I heard was “You guys are not going to have kids. Ever.”

Tears welled up in my eyes.  I told her that we were not at all interested in IVF.  She tried to console us by telling us that people have gotten pregnant off of IUI using similar numbers, but I knew what she was doing.  Insurance covers IUI and it is pretty much free to us, so we did go ahead with it.  And we will do the same thing for the next several months.  Pill to make me ovulate around day 12, insemination.  Repeat.

I said in my last post that I had pretty much given up the hope of having kids, and I meant it when I typed it.  But now I know I was lying.  When she said that yesterday it was like I was crushed.  I cannot even describe it.  I don’t want to be dramatic and I know there are far worse things that people go through.  But it was awful.  It was like all my hopes and dreams,  everything that I have always envisioned for my life, were ripped away in a second.  I am very blessed, but there is a huge hole in my heart and I just want to fill it.  With a baby.  My own baby.

To make matters worse, Mark and I got into a pretty big argument and I turned into the most depressing girl to be around.  I was crying all day.  I have never felt so sorry for myself.  Besides the obvious reason, I felt sorry for myself for having a manager at work who keeps demanding more and more things.  I felt sorry for myself for having a sharp pain in my back and no one to rub it away.  I felt sorry for myself for crying like a baby and then having to get on a work call and pretend like nothing was wrong.  It was a good thing I was working from home.  I just felt alone and overwhelmed and sad sad sad.

So there it is- that’s how IUI went.  Sorry to be such a downer.  Today I am doing much better, though I did start to cry again as I was typing this.  Not a fan of all these hormones.


1 Comment

Filed under Infertility

One response to “Sigh.

  1. What a plraeuse to find someone who thinks through the issues

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