A Note on Infertility

This is an adoption blog.  Although I do not want to hide what prompted us to consider adoption, I also do not want this to be an infertility blog.  It is not a subject I planned to address in detail (if you’re interested in reading about our struggles, please contact me for the password to our private posts).  But I didn’t realize that so many people have been affected by infertility, and since the two issues are so often intertwined, I do feel that it is worth discussing.

Before we started trying to have a family, we thought adoption sounded like a great idea, as many couples do.  We thought that might be something to consider someday.  But after several months of not getting pregnant you begin to realize that having adoption as one choice is TOTALLY different than having adoption as the only choice for starting or growing your family.   You begin to acknowledge the desire to see what a biological child would look like, what their temperament would be like.  You want to know what it feels like to be pregnant.

I really went through a spiritual journey over the past year and half.

Phase one: God, please make me pregnant.

This was my prayer in the beginning.  I knew that it might not happen immediately, but honestly believed it would happen soon.  After a few months, my prayers shifted to:

Phase Two:  God, let your will be done. (But just so you know, I REALLY REALLY want to be pregnant).

During this time we started to worry that it would not happen for us.

Phase Three:  God, I’m not very happy with you.  I don’t understand why you won’t bless us with a child.  I won’t be speaking to you for a few weeks.

I knew this was immature, but I was a mess by this time.  Nothing made sense and I was very frustrated.

Phase Four:  God, if we aren’t going to get pregnant, then you need to change my heart.  Because right now that is all I can think about.

I seriously thought about getting pregnant every single day.  I cried many times a week.  We were seeing a doctor at this time and at one point she gave us the option of skipping some of the more preliminary things and going straight to In-Vitro Fertilization.  This was one of the worst days of my life because we had already agreed that we were not interested in IVF at this point.  So when she said that I heard something different, I heard that we would not be having biological children.  I’m normally a pretty positive person, but that day I got a small glimpse of what depression felt like.  I felt like I was mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of starting our family with biokids.  And then I felt guilty for being so upset about the one thing I didn’t have when I have been given so much.  But that one thing I didn’t have was creating an ever-growing hole in my heart.  Adoption was definitely on our radar at this point, but it felt like a plan B, and I did not think it was fair to bring kids into a family as a backup plan.  I also felt like adoption meant that we were giving up on having biokids.

Phase Five:  I think my heart really is changing.  Please guide it.

After we went through what can really only be described as that mourning period, we really started looking into and praying about adoption hardcore.  And things started to change relatively quickly.  We did a lot of reading and researching.  We thought about where we wanted to adopt from, how many children we wanted, how we could afford it, if we would be able to handle special needs or transracial kids, etc.  Lots and lots of decisions.  As we were thinking about these things, we both grew more and more excited about this possibility.  I literally felt my heart changing; there are no other words to describe it.  We do still want biokids someday, and if we don’t have them in several years we may look back into treatment options.  I’m not against that at all.  But I finally got to the point where I was okay with that not being the way we would start our family.  And if I were to get pregnant next month or next year, we will continue with the adoption.  It’s not a plan B.  It was plan A all along.  We just didn’t know it.

Infertility sucks.  I’m not usually a very emotional person, but the last year and a half have been a roller coaster ride with high hopes and crushed dreams.  Everyone dealing with this has their own journey and their own story, but if you are there and are considering adoption, I would urge you to press into that.  It’s okay to not be super excited about it at first.  The very act of adoption is founded on loss.  The biomom loses her kids, the kids are losing their parents, and many times the adoptive parents are losing their hopes of having their own kids.  You don’t have to pretend that loss is not there.  Acknowledge it and see how a very sad situation can be turned into a miraculous one.

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4 Comments

Filed under Infertility

4 responses to “A Note on Infertility

  1. tammy

    Jayme, I am so proud of who you have become! I had no idea you two were going through such a struggle. These kids are truly going to be blessed to have you and mark as parents!

  2. Aunt Di

    Jaymee and Mark: You two are absolutely incredible. I enjoy reading about this process…..great job on the blog!

  3. Sarah Burton

    Jayme, your honesty in this post is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I’m really grateful that Josh and I got to share a brief season in KC with you and Mark.

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