My epiphany.

One of my New Years Resolutions was to become more faithful in my prayer life.  I started keeping a prayer journal, and I don’t think I’ve missed a day of the new year.  Some days are more fruitful than others, but so far so good.

Then this week happened.

This week my stomach has been bubbly and I’ve been feeling sick for four days.  This week I found out I wasn’t pregnant, going on two years now.  This week I found out the adoption tax credit we had so hoped for is not getting extended in the manner we need.  This week it snowed eight inches.

It’s been a crummy week.

My first reaction in all of this was to yell at, curse at God.  I know what I would tell myself if I was an outsider.  Things happen for a reason, we just don’t know it yet.  Stay faithful.  I’ll pray for you.  Blah. Blah. Blah.

None of those things are comforting to me right now.

Over the past few years I’ve learned a lot about spiritual warfare.  If you don’t know what this is, it can sound a bit bizarre, but stick with me here.  Basically it’s the belief that there is good and evil in the world.  They are in constant conflict.  Sometimes, when you make a move towards goodness, evilness attacks to prevent you from going further in that direction.  I know I have people from all kinds of spiritual backgrounds that read this blog and I do not want to alienate anybody, so you can take that to whatever level you want…but everybody believes in good and evil right?  I mean Hollywood wouldn’t exist if people didn’t.

I am wondering if my current trials are just that.  I make a conscious effort to become more faithful in my prayer life, and then sucky things happen.  And happen again.  And happen again. Textbook, right?

Maybe so, maybe just coincidence.  But if there’s one thing that being sick gives you, it’s time.  Time to think.  Time to contemplate.  Time to watch TV.  And as I was watching Celebrity Rehab with Doctor Drew, I had an epiphany.

You mean you don’t have epiphanies while watching reality tv?

The details aren’t important, but some major God things happened on that show.  It got me thinking that God is faithful.  I have a lot of good in my life.  I have a wonderful family, the best husband in the world, the best friends I could ask for, a great job, a warm house, the cutest animals on the planet, general health, I could go on and on.  But despite all that I’ve been given, I’ve spent the past few days being angry and frustrated.

Stupid, silly, shallow me.

I think I can finally put some sense into what’s going on.  And I am not going to fall for it.



1 Comment

Filed under God, Infertility

One response to “My epiphany.

  1. Jayme,

    I’m not going to pretend to know what your epiphany was, nor the trials you and Mark are facing. But, I know there are bad days (some worse than others), and I’ve learned that’s ok. Sometimes the bad days have to happen to show us how to appreciate the good ones.

    Around 8 or so months ago, I started asking God to show me that I was faithful. I got my answer (just not really how I’d expected to). I also know what you mean about all the “outsider” things not being a comfort -appreciated, but not a comfort. A very smart friend of Edward’s recently told us that it’s not that “things happen for a reason” it’s more that “things happen”. And they suck. And it’s ok that they suck.

    Anyway, just wanted to tell you that you aren’t stupid, silly, nor shallow. You’re human. For what it’s worth, comfort or not, I will certainly pray for you. I hope you have a better day tomorrow (just don’t look at the forecast or out the window until maybe Sunday night 😉


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