Head 1, Heart 0.

Head or heart.  Heart or head.

I remember as a teenager, there was a certain boy I couldn’t get over.  My head knew he didn’t treat me very kindly, but my heart just could not move on.  That was the first time I learned how hard it is to choose between your head and your heart.  And now I am being reminded of that lesson.

Last time I posted, I talked about how hard it is to look at the Waiting Children list.  There are only 12 children on the list for our agency (including 2 sibling sets), and I have them all memorized.  They are healthy for the most part; a few have some minor medical issues.  But they are old.  The youngest is 4 and the oldest is 13, most are around the age of 9 or 10.  My heart is with those children.

But my head is not.  Not even a little bit.  Every time I start dreaming about those kiddos, my logical voice chirps in.  The voice tells me that we are just starting our family.  It says that we have no experience parenting and that we’re not even 100% sure what school district we are in.  It reminds me that these kids come with issues included for free.  It says we haven’t had enough time to save money.  It tells me that we are looking forward to learning to count and playing patty-cake, not learning to multiply and little league.

And my head is winning.  There are too many practical reasons to wait for younger kids.  I need to not get caught up in the excitement and my impatience and do something that may not be best for the long-term.  Adoption forces you to take a very honest look at yourself and seriously consider what you are willing to take on.  You have to be honest.  You can’t take on older kids, or special needs kids, or kids of a different race if you are not prepared to deal with the unique challenges that each present.  No matter how guilty it makes you feel.

But, this experience has opened my heart to this need for older children to find homes.  I am not ready for it now, but I might be in the future.  If the future is six months from now or 16 years from now or never, I don’t know.  If there is one thing I have learned over the past two years, it’s that I am about as good at predicting the future as the weathermen are at predicting the weather.

On a last note, can anybody explain why when I Google Image “Heart and head sitting on shoulders like devil and angel” that this picture pops up?


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Filed under Decision Points, The Wait List

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