I need to clarify some things about my last post. Thank you for all the wonderful comments and feedback. That really means a lot to me. Several of you have apologized for things that you have said in the past, and I want to make a blanket statement to not worry about that at all. The post was not intended to be a passive aggressive attempt to let you know that something you said bothered me. If it did bother me, I let you know it at the time or I got over it in about five minutes.
Rather, I meant it as a general post to let people know to be careful what they say around women in my situation, as well as to make women in my situation think about how they need to not be so sensitive and that everybody says dumb things sometimes. I’ve seen some friends that have let comments bother them to the point that they isolate themselves from people that care about them, and that makes me sad. So, thank you for the apologies, but they are not necessary and they were not what I was after!
Also, when I read my post back I noticed a contradiction in it. How can I tell people not to walk on eggshells around me but in the same post tell them to watch what they say and not to complain about their pregnancies? Is it possible to do both? I’m not sure.
I also wanted to address one comment in particular:
Once you start adopting, you will get pregnant.
EVERYBODY says this to us. Even our fertility specialist said it! It didn’t bother me at first. Honestly, it still doesn’t bother me that much. But I know that it does bother others in our situation. Why?
- Because it makes it seem that by not adopting to this point, you have been preventing yourself from becoming pregnant.
- Because when you hear it over and over and over, you start to think you really will get pregnant soon….and then you don’t, and it hurts even more than it should because your hopes are back up.
- Because reproducing is a part of human nature and you already feel sort of like a failure when you can’t do it…and then when you still can’t after adopting (when everyone said you would), it feels like an even bigger failure.
It’s true that many families get pregnant after adopting, but that has everything to do with trying for additional months and nothing to do with the adoption itself. Scientifically, anyways.
I guess my point is to be yourself but to be mindful of what you say- probably a good thing to practice in all areas of life, not just with women in my situation. When you are expecting, I want to share in your good news and will be genuinely excited for you! But I also want you to appreciate what you have, even the achy/fatty/nauseous parts of it, because it is a true gift. Don’t complain about the soggy fries to a hungry person!
Maybe that’s a contradiction, but life is really full of contradictions isn’t it?