Insensitive Comments Part Dos

I need to clarify some things about my last post.  Thank you for all the wonderful comments and feedback.  That really means a lot to me.  Several of you have apologized for things that you have said in the past, and I want to make a blanket statement to not worry about that at all.  The post was not intended to be a passive aggressive attempt to let you know that something you said bothered me.  If it did bother me, I let you know it at the time or I got over it in about five minutes. 

Rather, I meant it as a general post to let people know to be careful what they say around women in my situation, as well as to make women in my situation think about how they need to not be so sensitive and that everybody says dumb things sometimes.  I’ve seen some friends that have let comments bother them to the point that they isolate themselves from people that care about them, and that makes me sad.  So, thank you for the apologies, but they are not necessary and they were not what I was after!

 Also, when I read my post back I noticed a contradiction in it.  How can I tell people not to walk on eggshells around me but in the same post tell them to watch what they say and not to complain about their pregnancies?  Is it possible to do both?  I’m not sure. 

I also wanted to address one comment in particular: 

Once you start adopting, you will get pregnant. 

EVERYBODY says this to us.  Even our fertility specialist said it!  It didn’t bother me at first.  Honestly, it still doesn’t bother me that much.  But I know that it does bother others in our situation.  Why? 

  • Because it makes it seem that by not adopting to this point, you have been preventing yourself from becoming pregnant. 
  • Because when you hear it over and over and over, you start to think you really will get pregnant soon….and then you don’t, and it hurts even more than it should because your hopes are back up. 
  • Because reproducing is a part of human nature and you already feel sort of like a failure when you can’t do it…and then when you still can’t after adopting (when everyone said you would), it feels like an even bigger failure. 

 It’s true that many families get pregnant after adopting, but that has everything to do with trying for additional months and nothing to do with the adoption itself.  Scientifically, anyways.

I guess my point is to be yourself but to be mindful of what you say- probably a good thing to practice in all areas of life, not just with  women in my situation.  When you are expecting,  I want to share in your good news and will be genuinely excited for you!  But I also want you to appreciate what you have, even the achy/fatty/nauseous parts of it, because it is a true gift.  Don’t complain about the soggy fries to a hungry person! 

Maybe that’s a contradiction, but life is really full of contradictions isn’t it?

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3 Comments

Filed under Adoption Process, Comments, Infertility

3 responses to “Insensitive Comments Part Dos

  1. This post made me chuckle. I wrote a “Top 10 things not to ask an adoptive parent” post several months back. I got so many private emails from people I knew personally who were so afraid they had offended me because they’d asked those questions. Honestly, though, 99% of those comments I had forgot about, and they weren’t what I was thinking about at all when I wrote it.

  2. judy

    WHATEVER, YOU ARE SOUNDING LIKE AN EXPECTANT MOTHER!! AND YOU ARE!! JUST WAIT AND SEE HOW YOUR FEATHERS COME UP AFTER THOSE LITTLE ONES GET UNDER YOUR WINGS!! YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN, WAS ACTUALLY THERE MYSELF–WOULD SIT AND CRY AND CRY WATCHING THE WALTONS WITH 7? KIDS AND POOR BUT WONDERFULLY HAPPY, WE DECIDED TO CHECK INTO ADOPTION AND WALLA, SO YES, IT DOES HAPPEN, BUT STILL REMEMBER LITERALLY STANDING ON MY SHOULDER BLADES FOR AN HOUR “AFTERWARDS” THINKING IT might? HELP! YOU WILL BE A MOMMY SOON, HANG ON, GOD HAS A SPECIAL DELIVERY OPTION PICKED JUST FOR YOU BOTH==COMING SOON. LOVE YOU! AUNT JUDY

  3. It is scientifically ridiculous for someone to really believe that adopting creates fertility, and just dumb to say that. Why people can’t understand random chance, I’ll never know. I admire your plight Jayme (and Mark), most of your posts about infertility are things Helen and I were too afraid to say out loud 2 years ago. You and Mark are on your way to great things, and I appreciate your journey and your inclusion of us in it.

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