Miss me? Sorry I’ve been gone so long. Truth is, I’ve been blogging the whole time but did not want to share yet. This post was originally written on April 15th. Enjoy…
While we are on the Wait List to get our children, there are about a dozen children through our agency on a Wait List for parents. The kids on the Wait List are all at least four, and some of them are as old as 13. The only disability that most of them have is their age, though a couple of them have an actual disability or disease. I’ve told you before how these kids pull at my heart strings.
Shortly after I wrote that post, I came across The Farmer’s Wife Tells All blog. The writer of this blog has two biokids and was on a wait list for international adoption when she got a wake up call about the truly needy kids in the world. Please click over to her blog and spend some time looking around. Make sure you have a box of tissues nearby. It is challenging and inspirational. It puts into words the things I have shoved to the back of my mind.
And I had shoved those waiting children to the back of my mind. Yes, I knew that while we were so impatiently waiting here that these kids were living in an orphanage in Africa. But they were well cared for there. But I am only 27 years old and can’t possibly handle a 7 or an 8-year-old. But we need the wait time to save money anyways. But we are just starting our family and really want young kids. But I am not an experienced parent and there’s no way I’m ready for the challenges an 8-year-old brings. But all my friends have younger kids. But how would we fit them into school? But we don’t want to adopt as a charity case. But how would we bond with kids that had already been through so much?
I was getting really good at the buts.
You could call me a but expert.
This gem of a blog I stumbled upon put some new buts in my mind:
But what would happen if what I thought I wanted (and deserved) was not what was in store for me?
But what if I am able to do the things I think I’m not capable of?
But what would happen if I stopped giving God conditions about what I was willing to do and just listened?
Slowly, I let my guard down. I started praying that His will would be revealed to me. And I started warming up to older children. But I’m not the only one in this relationship here, and I certainly did not want to try to convince the husband that this was the right thing to do…because I was not sure it WAS the right thing to do. That decision is way bigger than me.
So I prayed that if this was truly His will, Mark would need to tell me he was feeling the same way that I was beginning to feel.
And then I tried to shut up. I resolved not to say anything to Mark. But I’m not very good at keeping my mouth shut, so I did let a few things slip here and there. He knew it was on my mind. We talked about it a few times. But Mark was just as good at the buts as I was, and I was still feeling some of those things so I couldn’t disagree with him.
Then one day Mark IM’d me at work and asked me a few questions about how we could make older child adoption work. I tried not to get excited about it. As we talked, he said that he had been praying about it for weeks and that he just started feeling it was the right thing to do. He wanted to be sure he felt this way before saying anything to me.
I had no clue he had been praying about it.
He had no clue about my little deal with God.
That day, Friday April 15th, we requested more information on an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old sibling set.