Dealing With Hurting Haters

I’m behind on blogging.  In the last few weeks we’ve worked on the kids’ room, took an ethnic hair care class, were given a large donation out of nowhere, and were shocked with an adoption shower.   Please be patient with me as I turn the posts in my head into written words.  

Today’s post is about none of those things.  Today’s post is about another blog.

I read a lot of blogs, mostly adoption blogs with some DIY, mommy, and general life blogs thrown in to mix it up.  I don’t remember how I came across this, but I recently became aware that there are people who are anti-adoption.  Not anti-international adoption or anti-interracial adoption…just anti-adoption.  This really intrigued me, so I googled anti-adoption blogs.  I don’t want to link to the one I found, because if you click on it from here she’ll be able to find me….and I’m not sure that’s a good idea.  But if you’re interested, email me.  Or just google the same thing I did (it’s the first result), go to the homepage, and then scroll down to the entry from July 13th 2011.

I haven’t read through this whole blog, but from what I can tell this woman is a biomom who has a lot of pain and regret from giving up her child years ago.  It sounds like she was coerced into putting her child up for adoption and is now angry with everyone associated with that whole industry from the agencies to the adoptive parents (PAP on her blog= perspective adoptive parent).  Her blog clearly says she does not want to debate and that she will not post pro-adoption comments, but I had to ask:  Does she think adoption can be a positive thing under ANY circumstances?

She did not post my comment…at least not as a comment.  She did use it as material for her next post.  She did not think I was genuinely interested in her opinion (I was), but that I wanted to change how she already felt.  She thinks that women who truly don’t want their babies should get an abortion, or if that’s not possible that the baby should live with extended family.  She does not think that “God’s will” would take a baby from one parent to give to another.  The comments left on this post were horrible- they made all sorts of false assumptions such as that we were adopting an infant, that we were adopting after a failed IVF attempt, that we will expect the kids to worship us, or that we will degrade the biofamily.  The commenters also called me names such as “troll” or “clown”.

As I read through this post, I felt myself getting physically angry.

But I didn’t have to read very far before the anger turned to sadness.

I am sad this woman and her readers had to give up children.  I am sad that no one talked honestly with  them about the feelings of loss they would experience when they gave their kids up for adoption.  I am sad that the adoptive families have not honored them.  I am sad that they have had such bad experiences with adoption that it has tainted their views on all adoption.  I am sad that her narrow view-points will take the focus off of what are real issues.  I am sad that this happens in our world.

I will not be reading her blog anymore.  She uses it as a soapbox and not as a place to have open and honest discussions.  That is fine, it is her blog and she can do whatever she wants with it.  But I think it’s a shame, because a lot of people who cannot relate to her will write her off as crazy instead of considering what she has gone through and how careful everybody must be with adoptions.

Birth families are a vital part of adoption.  It’s so easy to look down on them and to think they are too young, too dumb, or too poor.  But thinking that way has no positive outcomes.  We are all created in God’s image, and that person gave life to human beings that we already love so much.  Our kids’ birth family will be treated with the utmost respect in our house, and I hope the way we raise their biological kids will make them proud.

If you do read this lady’s blog, please don’t hate on her.  Please pray for the deep wounds that she has to be healed.



Filed under Comments, In the News

3 responses to “Dealing With Hurting Haters

  1. Wow! That was really hard to read. Really. The thing about blogs and the internet, they give everyday people something to hide behind. They are no longer people with feelings or empathy, they are just products of their “cause”. Hey, I’ll be the first to say that every one has the right to their own thoughts, opinions, so on and so on. But there is a responsibility that comes with that. Ok, have your rants and raves about how you feel, obviously she isn’t the only one who feels that way cause she has some “vocal” followers, so great, I’m glad they have an outlet. BUT what is the reason to attack someone?? Jayme, I don’t know you in RL but I know that more about you then this woman and her assumptions about you and adoption as a whole couldn’t be more wrong. Her experiences are TRUE for her, but not for everyone. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, that post made me so upset, but unlike the lady who blogged it, I don’t have a harsh word for her. That would be a waste of time. So instead, I have nice ones for you and yours.
    Have a wonderful day! I hope you have your kiddos in your arms soon!

  2. Connie Campbell

    I am just glad you made a decision to not read any more of her blogs! Surround yourself with people that are supportive of you and your decisions! If I were your soon to be adopted children, I would thank God for you and Mark!

  3. Rebecca A.

    I read a little bit of her blog… made me sick to my stomach. Being a parent has nothing to do with blood. A parent is the person who stays up all night when your child is sick; who disciplines them so that they learn right from wrong; who loves them unconditionally through the good AND the bad. That is a parent. (Just a side note, I don’t know the circumstances in which your kids came to need adoption, and I am in no way stating that they are or would have been unfit parents).

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