Adoption After Infertility

Adopting after infertility is an interesting thing.

The perception to some can be that adoption is a second-choice, that adopted kids are the silver medal.  That you REALLY want a baby, but since you can’t have one, you settle for adoption.

Those people deserve a nice pop in the nose.  Sorry if you’re one of them.

It is true that we may not ever have adopted if we had gotten pregnant easily.  It is true that when it came time to start a family, I wanted a biological baby.  It is true that I was mad at God when we weren’t getting pregnant.  All these things and more are true.  But that doesn’t mean that adoption was our back-up plan, even if it appears that way.

You see, my ultimate desire is for a family with lots of children.  I want to cheer at soccer games and teach my kids about money.  I want giggly teenage girls talking about boys in my basement.  I want my son to bring home his friends and eat all the food in my fridge.  I want to go camping.  I want to teach my kids to eat healthy foods and to take care of their bodies.  I want to show them around Mizzou’s campus and I want a good excuse to watch Pixar movies.

So that’s the ultimate goal.  But how to get there?

Adoption and biological kids are two paths to the same endpoint.  Just because you go down one doesn’t mean you don’t desire the other.  When I was at the peak of excitement with adoption, my heart still longed for a biological baby.  And the moment I realized that pregnancy test was positive, one of my very first thoughts, even before the excitement, was worry about if it would slow down the adoption.  I seriously feel like the luckiest girl alive, like I’m having my cake and eating it too, and it’s a delicious Dairy Queen cake with an extra side of awesomeness.  I know that not every infertility story ends this way.

If you are dealing with infertility and considering adoption, realize that adopting is not going to fill your desires to have a biological baby.  It’s unfair to an adopted kid to have that expectation, and I think it’s important for one to realize that before adopting.

And if you are thinking about adoption, no amount of biological babies are going to fill that void in your heart.  A lot of people with multiple biokids have said to me, “I’ve always thought about adoption but never actually did it.”  I’m glad I’m not going to be one of those people.  I’m glad I took a leap of faith and moved forward with it, even though it is expensive and scary and sometimes I feel totally in over my head.  I don’t even have the kids yet and have no idea when that will happen, but I am already so blessed by them.  The desire for a biobaby is real and powerful, but don’t let that stand in the way of a desire to adopt.



Filed under Adoption Process, Comments, Infertility

3 responses to “Adoption After Infertility

  1. Thank you for this post. Looking back on how I felt waiting for a positive pregnancy test and now how I feel “waiting” aren’t very similar at all. I don’t know why but it isn’t. It’s like for a while there I forgot about those dreams and a new one took over. Yea, I still feel the sting of a new pregnancy and maternity clothes shopping, but it doesn’t over power the joy I feel during this process. For half a second, we talked about surrogecy, I was excited at the thought of a biological child but in the end, that wasn’t all there was to it. We want a baby/child to raise and love. I want to be a mother, however that happens. 🙂

  2. I read through your blog today, Shanell. You are going to have an awesome family! Thank you for sharing your journey. 🙂

  3. Sarah

    Amen. It takes a while to get to the point where you realize that being pregnant is not the goal…being a parent is. And it’s worth the wait. It’s rare that we even think about Jack being adopted now….six months of smiles every morning, soft cheeks, blue eyes and lots of drool has left no doubt in our minds that Jack is our son, it was meant to be. My husband and I are so happy for you and Mark. I hope you see some progress with the kiddos in Ethiopia soon and I hope the pregnancy is going well too!

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