Losing a Referral Part Two: The Call

This is the second part in a five part series.  Read the first part here.

They started off by asking us how we were feeling about things.  I told them I was feeling great and that although we knew things were going to be crazy, we were excited and looking forward to the challenge.

They said they had some concerns.

They said that a baby changes the dynamics of a family.  They said things like:

  • What if the baby is colicky and no one is sleeping?
  • What if the older kids take their anger out on the baby?
  • What if the older kids try to run away?
  • How can you give 100% of your attention to a baby and 100% of your attention to these older kids going through the most difficult times of their lives?

Blah blah blah.  Don’t get me wrong…these are valid concerns.  I don’t mean to make light of them.  They’re things we’ve talked about and prayed about and prepared for.  We’re not expecting everything to fit together perfectly, for the older kids to love their new family immediately and for our baby to sleep through the nights. 

They told us that because of these concerns, because of the great unknown with older child adoption, that they could not allow us to move forward with our current adoption. They told us that it was nothing personal, that no matter what family was going through this they would have the same concerns.

I told them I understood and that I agree it would be too much for most families to handle.  But we’re not most families.  I told them that this is a pretty important judgment call for them to make without ever having met us. 

They told us that it was our job to look out for the best interest of our baby, and their job to look out for the best interest of the older children.I told them that we considered all of them our children and didn’t look out for one above another.  That in fact, we considered the older children our children before the baby came along.  I asked them if they thought the best interest of the children was staying in the orphanage in remote Africa they have been at for two years.

They told us we could resume adoption when our baby is a year old.  Eighteen months from now.

I told them that sounded like torture.  That we’ve been ready for a family for 2.5 years now.  I told them that if our case was typical, we would be weeks away from getting our children at this point.  And now you’re telling me I have to wait another year-and-a-half plus?!

I told them I thought this was all bullshit.

They kept talking and talking, and I realized that the decision had been made.  Nothing I could say was going to change their minds.

So then I shut up.  At one point they asked if I was still there.

I was.  I just had nothing else to say.

The call ended and I cried and cried.  I stayed on the phone with Mark but there was really no way around it- the situation just sucked.

Check back tomorrow for how we felt about this blow after we had a few hours to digest it.

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