Losing a Referral Part Four: Feelings About Pregnancy

This is part four of a five part series.  If you’ve missed the earlier posts, check out part one here, and read forward.

This was a hard post to write, because these are feelings I don’t want to feel.  But they are real.  Please don’t judge.

It’s no secret that I’ve desired a baby for a long time.  I started baby-sitting when I was 12-years-old, and I loved those kids like my own.  I wanted a large family, five or six kids.  We waited until the timing was right, and then it took us 27 months to get pregnant.

When that pregnancy test was positive, I was happy!  No doubt about it.  But I was also nervous.  A little nervous about the health of the baby- but a lot nervous about what it meant for our adoption.

I had six weeks of living on top of the world, when I was pregnant and feeling great and it didn’t seem our adoption would be affected.

Then of course, those dreams were crushed when we were told we couldn’t proceed with our adoption due to the pregnancy.

Emotionally, I am in a very weird state with this pregnancy.  It is something I wanted so very badly.  But it is causing me to lose something I wanted equally badly.  There is joy, but there’s also a bit of resentment.

That was hard to type, but it’s true.

The me of two years ago would have slapped the me of today across the face.  Two years ago, I remember being so annoyed with pregnant women who weren’t absolutely overjoyed about being pregnant.  They didn’t know how good they had it.

I know how good I have it.  I am thrilled about being pregnant.  Please don’t misunderstand.

It’s just that it’s bittersweet.

It’s bittersweet because we lost the other children we loved.  They were not a replacement for a biological child.

But it’s also bittersweet because it’s taking away from this pregnancy.

I want to look at my growing belly and feel pure, unadulterated joy.  I want to decorate my baby’s nursery without first having to disassemble furniture I bought for kids I’ll never have.  I want to look forward to my baby’s birth without thinking about what’s missing from the scene.  I want to count the months of my baby’s first year without counting down the months until we can move forward with adoption.

Each happy moment has a twinge of pain. There is joy, but there is also loss.

After everything we’ve gone through to get to this point, that just doesn’t seem fair.

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4 Comments

Filed under Losing a Referral

4 responses to “Losing a Referral Part Four: Feelings About Pregnancy

  1. No judgement at all. How can this NOT be bittersweet? I know you will always love the kids in Ethipia but I also know you will love this baby! Love is from the heart and and so is grieving. You’re going through both and I can’t imagine what that’s like. But I do know that God is good! He is our source of comfort and strength. Look to Him!

  2. Shannon Addington

    It’s natural to feel this way. I know it’s not quite the same, but when I found out Riley was going to be a boy I cried and was resentful for days, even months. I had so hoped for a daughter to play dress up with, have tea parties, giggle with about boys, go to cheerleading practice, shop for wedding dresses with. Instead I was going to have a stinky ole boy who liked sports and dirt and worms and bugs and thought farts were funny. One day I saw a commercial about a boy going to school and his mom taking him to the busstop. I think it was one of those peanut butter commercials. He gave her a big hug goodbye, but you could see he was nervous. He got on the bus and looked in his hand and she had drawn a heart on his palm. It was that minute I realized that it didn’t matter. He’d love me and I’d love him unconditionally. I had always hoped to try again and have my little girl, but that didn’t work out. I had a miscarriage. It hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. You’re going through that loss right now, but you have the chance to expand your family, just not as quickly or with the children you fell in love with, but you will. I know you aren’t ungrateful. You are just having your own battle with your heart and mind. The pain is new and unfortunately it came at the same time as the joy. You’ll come to a point where it doesn’t matter right this minute because you know you’ll get there eventually, just not down the original path you had started on. Every day of your life you walk down a road, there will be forks along the way, each one is an adventure all it’s own that God has designed for you to help you grow. God knows where he’s leading you, just try to enjoy the ride and remember we all love you.

  3. Tressa

    It’s not fair at all. One of my favorite greeting cards says, “(outside) They say we learn the most from our most difficult experiences. (insdie) What a stupid system.”

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think anyone should judge you for those feelings at all. They are all valid feelings. Especially the one about your pregnancy being bittersweet. I have often felt that way myself this time; it’s hard to describe and unless someone has been in a (somewhat) similar situation, probably hard for them to understand. (And, even people being in similar situations can never claim to fully understand how you feel. Your feelings are very personal and unique to you.) I pray that you will be surrounded by those who understand, or at least try to.

  4. Just wanted to share that we were waiting for siblings from Ethiopia then we ended up adopting domestically and I went through some strange feelings. I was still connected to Ethiopia but so happy to have a son. I just figured it was not the time for Ethiopia. Someday! My boy was meant to be mine. It is ok to feel as sorts of things. Adoption, pregnancy are all emotional. 🙂

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