This concludes the series on losing our referral. It starts here.
Parts one through four of this series were written within hours of hearing the hardest thing I have ever heard in my life: we were losing the children we have loved for the past five months.
Writing is therapeutic for me. Whenever I get big news, whether it is good or bad, I want to write about it right away. It helps me process my thoughts and captures the way I feel at a moment in time. And during that moment in time, I was feeling more sad than I can remember feeling in my whole life. Sometimes it’s hard with blogging, because I publish my writings several days (or sometimes even months) after I originally write them. Now I’ve had a few days to process the news. It’s still hard. I don’t know what to do with their pictures. It’s difficult to look into their room. But the past few days have allowed me to take a small step away from my emotions and think about this from a higher level.
The hubby and I have been praying that we can trust in God’s plan. I don’t understand it. I don’t know why He would lead us to these two children only to take them away. But I can realize that some things are beyond my understanding. Maybe we were being used to put the girl in contact with her birth father. Maybe our purpose was to get their paperwork ready so that another couple more equipped than us can adopt them. Maybe they will touch many lives in Ethiopia, but they must have their papers in order to do whatever it is they’re supposed to do. We’ll probably never know. But I do believe that we were drawn to them for a reason, even if it ends in pain for us.
We also pray that they are being watched over. I have peace that the orphanage they are in is well-run. They are in school. They are being fed. This is not an orphanage from hell, like some truly are. I pray that they know they are loved. I pray that they have opportunity to do whatever they want to do. Not knowing what will happen to them is one of the hardest things to deal with.
Our ultimate prayer is not that we get these children, although that’s what we want.
Our ultimate prayer is that great things will happen for these children and our family, however that may look. If that means the children come home with us, we will rejoice. If that means letting them go, I pray for comfort and healing.
As for us, where do you go when you get news that is going to change your life?
I have not totally given up on these kids- although the chance things could work out with them is very very very small, there is a chance. I’m fighting for it.
We’re hoping, but not expecting it to work out. We’re making plans as if it’s not going to work out. So where does that leave us?
Hopefully, a healthy baby will come in spring. Our agency says the baby has to be a year old before we can start adoption again. I’m hoping to convince them to let us start earlier. (sidenote: I want to be clear that the agency is not the bad guy here. We understand their points, and are not angry with them. The situation just sucks. We have been very happy with our agency overall and feel confident that they want what is best for all orphaned children. We just happen to disagree about what that looks like in this case).
When we started adoption, older kids weren’t even on our radar. God has definitely used this waiting time to open our hearts to older kids. There are so many people that want babies- let them have babies. We feel called to open our hearts and home to older kids.
But older kids, especially ones from institutions, come with challenges. Our young age and the fact that we have not parented older kids before do not work to our advantage. It was a struggle to get approved to adopt older kids in the first place, and I expect that it’s going to be even more of a struggle with a one-year-old thrown in the picture. But we’ll deal with that when we get there.
The truth is, not having a pending adoption turns a lot of unknowns into knowns. It does make a lot of things easier.
I’ve just never been a person who likes to do things the easy way.
Thank you for your support and for following our ever-changing story. Although this adoption process is taking WAY longer than we expected, we are still in it and I plan to keep blogging. I hope you’ll keep reading.