Two Months After Losing a Referral

A little over two months ago, we had been anxiously preparing our home for not one, not two, but three kiddos, potentially all arriving within months of each other.  Life was crazy and awesome.  A little over two months ago, we told our adoption agency we were pregnant.

Two months ago today, our agency told us they could not let us continue the adoption.  They were concerned with the logistics and the stress levels of taking on 3 kids- 2 from another country that didn’t speak English and could potentially have abuse/neglect issues, and 1 baby that might not be sleeping or might cause my hormones to do crazy things- for parents that have never been parents before.

That day was the worst day of my life.  We had been matched with those kids for five months.  We had loved them for five months.

So how does it feel, two months after we received this awful news?

There are negatives.  When we originally got matched with them, we thought we’d be traveling about this time.  We had hoped to have them home for Christmas.  I don’t know what to do with their framed pictures.  I think about them every day.  Sometimes just for a passing moment when I see the world clock on my phone, and sometimes for hours.  I wonder what they’re doing.   We sold their bunk beds and packed up all the books, toys, and games that you all so graciously gave to us.

There are also positives.  I found out recently that the girl’s paperwork, which had been delayed, is complete.  They think.  Because her situation is unique, the paperwork is not the standard paperwork.  They have to take what they have to the US Embassy and see if it will work.  I hope it does.  I hope they figure it out very soon and that they are adopted by a new family very soon.  I wish I could Facebook stalk them, just to see what they’re up to.  The baby has served as a good distraction.  Last week I reached the halfway mark and that kicked my rear into gear.  The sting of loss is a little less sharp and the bursts of baby excitement are a little stronger with each day that goes by.  If we had to lose this referral, I’m glad we were blessed with a pregnancy to focus on.  It would be infinitely more hard if losing it sent us back to square one.

Two months after losing a referral, the loss and pain are still there.  But time heals wounds, and our wounds are healing little by little.

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