So Long, Insecurity and Adopted Kids

I’m in a women’s book club and we’re currently studying Beth Moore’s book So Long, Insecurity.  Written from a Christian perspective, the book examines the reasons people- women especially- so often struggle with insecurity, what causes it, and how you can address it and move on to be the person you’re meant to be.  The book was not one I would pick on my own, but many of my close friends raved about it so I thought why not?

I am not one to deal with constant insecurity.  Sure, there are things I am insecure about.  I don’t like my teeth or my claw-like hands, I think I’m too tall, I get nervous when my husband doesn’t return my calls.  But these things don’t plague me, and to be honest, I often find myself getting annoyed with women who are hung up on every little thing.  But the book did make me do some deep thinking, though perhaps not in the way it intended.

Chapter five looks at some of the root causes of insecurity- either the way we’re wired or the things that can happen to us as children that can haunt us for decades.  The ones not related to personality are:

  • Instability in the home
  • Significant Loss
  • Rejection
  • Dramatic Change

When I read this, I had all sorts of things going on in my mind.  My thoughts went to my future adopted kids.

Instability in the home?  uh, yeah. Whether you’ve been living in an orphanage or on the streets or bouncing between foster homes, that’s not exactly stability. Significant loss? I’d say losing your biological relatives and neighborhood count as a pretty big loss. Rejection?  Your birth mother or relatives not being able to care for you, regardless of the reason, certainly can make one feel rejected.  Dramatic Change?  Is there anything about adoption that’s NOT a dramatic change?

When some people think of adoption- including me until we got more involved in it- they think of a nice happy story.  Kid has hard life, kid gets adopted, kid has happy life.  I am learning more and more that it is not. that. simple.

Every time I start thinking about adoption, I realize that we have a huge job ahead of us.  I realize we can’t parent our adopted kids the same way we will our biokids.  Things that I used to think were weird- like an 8-year-old regressing to toddler-like behavior- become understandable when I get that they never got to be a toddler.  Things that once sounded a little too touchy-feely for me- like “attachment”- become very real.

Kids in this situation have been through more in their few short years than I’ll probably ever go through in my life.  Getting adopted into a nice family is not going to solve that.  It’s not enough to heal the scars that rejection and instability leave behind.  The cuts of drastic change and significant loss cut deep.  The thing is, the more I read and study this, the more drawn I am to older kids that come with these “issues”.  It fascinates me.  I know that my love won’t be enough to heal them.  I know that I will never be a good enough parent.  I will never use all the right resources and I will never say all the right things.

But I do believe that imperfect people can do perfect things in imperfect ways.  I do believe in healing and I do believe in divine matches.  And I’m really excited to see how this will eventually look for our family.

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1 Comment

Filed under Adoption Process, Preparing for Kids, Waiting Children

One response to “So Long, Insecurity and Adopted Kids

  1. Tommy

    I know I’m like really slow at reading these (hence me reading this now a month and a half later while at work because I’m stuck here until 4:30), but I can say with certainty that your thinking is a little too “glass half empty”. By that I mean that, yes, your love and your parenting can be enough to heal them and heal their scars. Being in a stable, supportive, loving, and structured home is the most important thing for a kiddo no matter what secrets, scars, and loses their past may hold. No, you can’t erase their past or memories, but you can give them a new start, and while it will never be an easy road, in the end, if they have as good of parents as I know you and Mark will be, they WILL have a happy life. Because you two are dedicated and will love them just like your own. And I can also list 100 other reasons, but then this reply may be just as long as Jayme’s blogs and I know I can’t compete with that. So perhaps over a beer sometime.

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