We had our biobaby in April and are ready to get back into the adoption game, but there is a lot going on and a lot of decisions that we need to make. Last time I explained some of factors beyond our control; now it’s time to sort out all the thoughts zigzagging through my head.
When we come off hold in October, we could get a referral at any time. We are currently approved for one child or two, up to age eight.
There are two issues that are of concern:
- Birth Order- Adopting out of birth order means adopting a child older than your oldest biological child- disrupting birth order. Our agency, like many, does not allow it. It can cause identity issues and make the transition difficult. We were worried that after we had our baby, we would basically have no choice but to adopt a very young baby. Since our baby is so young and doesn’t really identify as the oldest child yet, our agency has made an exception and will allow an out of birth order adoption in our case. They will allow this up to the time our baby is three years old.
- Artificial Twinning- Artificial twinning is adopting a child who is within 12 months of a biological child. If we got matched with an 8-month-old when our bio baby is 9-months-old, that would be artificial twinning. This can also make the transition very difficult and can set the kids up for extreme competition through their lives. The 12-month range is not set in stone, but in general our agency will not do this. The research I’ve done makes me believe that this is a valid issue.
And this is where my mind starts spinning. Most of the children being referred today are under 12 months old. When we come off hold in October, we won’t be eligible for a child under 18 months due to artificial twinning. We would basically be eligible for a child or children from about 1.5 years- 8 years. The chances are better that the child(ren) would be on the older end of that range. But there are no kids in that range with our agency that currently need homes, and from what our agency can tell there won’t be any in the near future either.
So what the heck are we supposed to do?
Here are just a few of the thoughts we are floating around:
- A 7 or 8 year gap is a big range between kids (even bigger if we have more biobabies). Let’s make sure we are seriously prepared to deal with that.
- Although the adoption environment has changed, there are still less people willing to adopt older children.
- We have been blessed with a biological baby and don’t need to ‘take’ a healthy baby from someone else.
- Wouldn’t it be fun for Mac to have a little chocolate buddy about his age?
- Two young children would require a lot of butt wiping.
- If we did want a young child, we would have to wait a whole ‘nother year (til Mac is about 1.5). And what if I happen to get pregnant again in the meantime?
- Older child=No daycare
- Older child= Less time to save for college
I could keep going.
Since we started thinking about adoption again, all of these things and more have been on my mind. I’m driving myself crazy thinking about them. Eventually, the husband said we just need to leave it up to God. Be realistic with what we can handle, and then leave it open.
So that’s what we’re trying to do, but it’s easier said than done. I’d love any words of wisdom or outsider opinions. 🙂
Maybe this adoption will be completed by the time I’m 50.