Originally written July 27th…
I recently told you how we found out we were pregnant and got a referral for two kiddos within 48 hours, and how we decided to handle that news….
The next day we called the adoption agency. We went over why we felt we were fit parents (we spend a lot of time trying to convince the adoption agency that we are awesome) and told them that we accepted the referral. They were excited and all was good for about .2 seconds, until we told them that I was pregnant.
Then all hell broke loose.
Our agency rep wasn’t happy with us. At all. I’ll just leave it at that.
We defended ourselves as best as we could and tried to remind them again that we are awesome.
The call ended with a lot of unknowns. I hung up 99% sure that this adoption was not going to happen.
That night I sent an email to a few people from the agency and to our social worker going over all the things we meant to say but didn’t.
The next morning, our social worker called. We talked about that email and went over the resources we have. We talked about the different ways this could work out timing-wise. We talked about what a sticky situation we were in and how there were so many unknowns. Overall it was an encouraging call. I hung up only 80% sure the adoption wasn’t going to happen.
And then I got really confused. You see, when we made the decision to tell them about our pregnancy, I was certain that it would be the end of adoption. And now, now I didn’t know. And I didn’t know what I even wanted.
I really wanted to adopt, and I really wanted another biokid, but not really at the same time. I don’t think it’s possible to overestimate how hard that would be.
Did I want to adopt, if adopting means the kids are going to come home a couple months before a newborn enters the picture? Or was I okay with adoption not happening if that meant a relatively peaceful, relatively normal life with a newborn and a toddler? I wasn’t sure.
If this adoption happened a few months before a newborn came, life would be really really really really really really really really hard for a long time. But yet, I kind of wanted that. Yes, the first eight or twenty months would really suck. But how cool would life be after that?! Seriously, how many times do you get the chance to do something so totally crazy and hard but so totally cool?
There are a few people I know to varying degrees that do cool crazy things. Some of our friends are moving with their three kids, including a baby who will be 4-ish months old, to Africa to do medical missions. A guy our pastor is friends with moved his family, including his young children, to Lebanon years ago to do work in the Middle East. I don’t look at these types of people and think they’re nuts. I look at them and think, “I want to be like them.” I could really care less how fancy someone’s house is or how many Louis Vuitton purses they own. Want to impress me? Do something crazy! You only get one life to live, and sometimes you have to take risks and step outside your comfort zone. Sometimes you just have to do things that scare you. And this, this acquiring 3 kids within a few months with a toddler on top, scares me. So bring it on.
That’s how I thought part of time.
On the other hand, I thought how our existing family seems almost picture-perfect. We’re not- there are plenty of times I have to remind myself that shaking babies is bad and that my husband’s life insurance money wouldn’t really be a substitute for him- but most of the time, it does feel close to perfect. We’ve got a really good thing going. When I think about how I would feel if this adoption doesn’t happen, I have mixed emotions. Sad that our adoption journey would go on hold until we were done building our biofamily, because trying to do both at the same time obviously isn’t working for us. But also relieved that we wouldn’t have to deal with the crazy. Relieved that we could focus on new life without stressing about how it’s impacting the new kids. Relieved that I could nap when the baby naps, that we wouldn’t have to get a new car to fit all these kids, that we could continue our peaceful little existence. Relieved that life would go on as a normal family and not as the one that is always one step away from losing it.
So as I write this, I don’t even really know what I want. I am confident that we made the best decision by being open to whatever may happen while also being honest- it’s out of our hands now and not really our decision to make anymore. I honestly believe that if this is meant to happen, the people at the agency will break all the rules and let it happen- and we will be thrilled and scared. And if it’s not meant to happen, the agency will deny us and we’ll breathe a sigh of relief and continue our little life, concentrating on Wiggles and Cletus the Fetus for now.
We should find out next week.
Until next time…