The Poop Files

I HATE POTTY TRAINING.

There. I said it.

We started potty training Wiggles early.  Too early.  I’m not starting with The Baby until a week before kindergarten.

Wiggles does pretty good with #1.  He does not ever tell us he needs to go, but as long as we put him on the potty every 2-3 hours he stays dry in between.  The only problem is that sometimes he insists on standing up, and sometimes when he stands he totally misses the toilet and hits the trash can instead.  Take it from me, parents of young boys- DON’T HAVE THEM STAND UNTIL THEY LEAVE FOR COLLEGE.  Or at least until they’re old enough to clean a bathroom.

The main problem is with #2.  He just does not go in the potty.  He’s not scared.  He’ll do it if the timing is impeccable and we just happen to put him on the potty at the exact moment he needs to go.  But that happens rarely.  More often, he poops his pants 5 minutes after he gets off the potty.  It is so frustrating!  Cleaning baby poop is one thing.  No big deal.  Cleaning toddler poop is something else.  It’s so gross.  I mean, if you can tell me you pooped, then go get a clean diaper and wipes, then throw the dirty diaper away, you are too old to be crapping your pants.  But it does sometimes lead to funny situations like these:

Scene:  Sitting in church while the kids are in kids church

My friend in front of me gets my attention and signals me to look over at the pastor.  He’s frantically motioning me to look at my phone.  There is a text from him that says “Wiggles had an accident (poop).”  I leave the service to take care of business, only to find Wiggles playing with toys wearing only his shirt and diaper.  The sweet ladies cleaned up his very messy diaper.  I’m the type of mom that does good to get all of her kids somewhere in one piece, not the type that has extra everything in her purse.  I didn’t even have a diaper bag, let alone a change of clothes.  So, I gave them the okay to let him continue playing pantless and went back to the service.  This was all great until we were leaving.  It was just me and the littles.  I was carrying The Baby while Wiggles ran ahead of me, darting in and out of people as if he were on a mission.  People would look at him, laugh, and then look around with concern on their face.  I just followed, showed them the grocery bag, and said “Always pack extra pants.”  This happened at least a dozen times on the way out.  Fun times.

IMG_5827

Scene:  The Pool

Wiggles came to tell me something and I smelled that smell I dread.  I announced it was time to go, chased him down, and we made our way to the family locker room.  The kids really love showering together in the giant stalls.  On this particular day it was just me with The Baby, Wiggles, and Diva.  Diva started showering.  The Baby was sitting on the floor while I pondered how to handle Wiggles.  I very carefully took off his dirty disgusting cloth swim diaper, swirled it in the toilet, and then instructed Diva to spray off his hiney.  She complied.  During all this I look over at The Baby.  She had found a very small poop chunk AND WAS ABOUT TO EAT IT.  Turns out I still have pretty fast reflexes!  I hope they clean their floor with bleach.

These two things happened on the same day.

I HATE POTTY TRAINING.

 

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