Last time I shared my thoughts on Why Little Kids Rock, and all those things are true. Little kids are funny and innocent and cute but let’s be honest- raising them is hard work! Now, I share my Top 10 Reasons Little Kids Suck:
- They Crap Their Pants
An expected part of parenting at age 11 months. A really annoying and increasingly gross part of parenting after 2.5 years. The day that Wiggles is fully potty trained will be the day you can send a sober driver out for me.
- They Scream and Yell ALL THE TIME
I get it. Little kids are still developing their vocabularies and can’t always express their needs or frustrations, so they scream. I get it. Doesn’t mean I like it. And in my house, I have FOUR kids learning how to communicate. It’s loud. It’s always so loud.
- There’s Enough Crumbs In Their Carseats to Feed a Small Family For Days
My car used to be kept reasonably clean. Now it’s like the kids opened everything in the panty and shook it in the car. It’s so disgusting. It doesn’t matter if I clean it, it’s trashed days later. It doesn’t matter if I forbid food in the car because THEY FIND A WAY. Speaking of car seats, the second best day of my life (after Wiggles is potty trained) will be when all my kids can buckle themselves in.
I said I love breastfeeding, and I do. The one major problem is breastfeeding’s evil sister pumping. What’s that? You’re taking me on our first hot date in months? Dinner and a movie? Oh, excuse me for twenty minutes while I go pump my milkmakers. I wouldn’t want to spray or leak. Sexy!
- Bodily Fluids
Like most parents I’ve been peed on, pooped on, puked on, and spit up on. Just because it comes from my kid doesn’t make it precious. It’s disgusting. You know what else is disgusting? When your baby throws up while she’s sleeping and then tries to go back to sleep, getting vomit all over her face. Or when your toddler’s diaper leaks and he wakes up covered in urine. Doubly awesome if said toddler’s diaper leaks while he’s next to you in your bed. The first few years of parenting involve way too much contact with way too many bodily fluids.
- They’re Unreasonable
No, I will not bring you dinner in the dog kennel. No, you cannot have crack-cracks (crackers) for dinner. No, you cannot stay home by yourself today. You’re TWO. Now stop screaming and go back to playing your game in the hamper that you peed in three days ago.
- They Nap
Napping is awesome on days we’re home. Napping is a giant pain in the butt when we’re out and about. Pre kids I always thought that having babies wouldn’t slow us down. We’ll continue our lifestyle! The kids can nap in the car or the stroller! Yeah, no. That doesn’t work. We need to be home for 90 minutes or so in the morning for The Baby’s nap and for 2-3 hours after lunch for afternoon naps. If that’s not possible, we have to deal with a tired screaming kid. Really makes planning a fun day out impossible.
- They Can’t Do Anything For Themselves
Me in the morning with the little kids: Wake them up. Nurse them/make them breakfast. Encourage them to potty/change their diapers. Brush their teeth. Get them dressed. Put their shoes on. Wipe their snot.
Me in the morning with the big kids: Wake them up. Make them breakfast. Tell them to hurry it up.
Big kids win.
- They Have Very Clear Ideas About How Things Should Be. And Those Ideas Suck.
Oh, I’m so sorry the car visor is not shut all the way, and I’m doubly sorry that the garage door opener is on the left visor instead of the right one. And I’m also sorry that I didn’t let you hold a knife while jumping up and yelling “HOORAY!” Also, I’m sorry that I didn’t let you put the ice cream in the panty and I’m sorry that you can’t beat the dog with a light saber.
They’re Jerks.They’re Bipolar
What in the world can compare to a child’s sweetness? And how can a toddler go from holding your hand and rubbing your back to kicking and screaming on the floor? And can they learn to share?! I understand you want Bobby’s toy. But HE’S PLAYING WITH IT.
Little kids can be the best and they can be the worst- now if only I can remember the best when I’m experiencing the worst.